I am two and we both write. Sometimes simultaneously. Sometimes just one
of us. We never quarrel upon words, as we never use the same. We are just
occasionally confused about what we feel. One of us seems younger, annoyingly
curious. Conflictual most of the time. Overly emotional, yet in denial.
Incredibly stupid. However, it is that one that I envy. For her vivid dreams
with skirts and red stilettos. Because that one can weep for long, laugh at
heart, face her fears. Because she can dream of a redheaded alien that was
hiding in the cellar. I mean, yeah, in fact it is nothing strange to dream of a
redheaded alien wearing a long grey coat, and it is not that strange to hold
him in your arms, to hide your hands in his coat’s pockets while placing your
chin gently on his shoulder and whisper “you can hide in the loft, if you think
it’s safer”. It is neither strange to wake up from your dream and nor is it to
fumble in your book shelves looking for the book that may have the answer. Even
if you know the cover but not the title, and on the spot you do not remember
the author. The poetics of space is everywhere after all in its plain
simplicity, unfolding before your eyes in various geometries and reasons. I
envy her because she can make her mind dance, because I know she dreams almost
every night. And I know she chose to make those images
fade away before reaching my sight. I envy her for keeping her dearest dreams
floating alive in an image database I cannot exactly access. I am just her dark
shadow double, keeping her grounded to my own hell. I do not want to let her go,
as long as I do not want to let her live either. She is my captive and I am her
tormentor. Because I envy her for all she can be, while I cannot. And, because
there’s always someone she can call when she senses the danger, even in her
dreams. And there’s someone to answer her call, even in her dreams. And I want
to be her too, to the point I crave to intermingle and get dissolved, until
there’s no me anymore.
Photo: http://www.jacobsutton.com/index.php?section=exhibition_work&portfolio=underwater_girl
